Posted by
Takeadair on Friday, November 30, 2007 9:38:02 AM
With apologies to the original author in England
Thank you for calling the United State Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down our parade fields and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following options:
a. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Marines.
b. If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends.)
c. If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the Director of Naval Operations, The US Navy, Washington DC.
Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalized, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization; and are prepared to work your socks off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the world; then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, little office down by the mall.
Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The US Army.